What to Say to Your Inner Critic
Your harshest inner voice is actually just afraid.
When you hear your inner monologue telling you that you are lazy, not smart, or a bad writer, you know you are dealing with your inner critic. And the voice that tells you to stop procrastinating, just sit down and write, stupid, or gets mad at you for not being faster, or better, or doing as well as your friend who has published four books already—that’s the critic too. Most of us have a voice like this, and some of us have quite a few.
When you’re in the grip of the critic, you might feel constricted and judgmental, even if you simultaneously feel the need to get some writing done right now. You might also feel despairing and hopeless, unable to focus.
The weird thing about the critic is that it doesn’t mean you any harm. Most of the time, inner critics are just scared, and believe that they are helping us by trying to keep us in line. What does “in line” mean to your inner critic? That’s highly individual, but most likely they want you to not get too big, too authentic, or too bold. They might not even want you to try.
So should you tell the critic to just shut up? You can try, but usually fighting the critic (or any other part of you) just causes more chaos within. In Internal Family Systems therapy, internal critics are like teenagers that got shouldered with too much responsibility too soon. You wouldn’t try to get a teenager to understand their harmful behavior by yelling at them (I hope), so don’t do that to yourself either.
Here are some things you can try instead:
Give yourself (and your critic) some mindful self-compassion. Put your hand on your heart, acknowledge how hard it is to have this inner voice—and how hard it is for the part of you that criticizes. You can even try speaking to your critic directly and finding out what it’s afraid of. Offer yourself some words of compassion. For example: “May I soften towards myself”. You can even try to connect with the energy of all the people in the world who have dealt with strong internal criticism. You can also use mindful self-compassion to challenge your critic’s stance.
Turn toward the critical voice, rather than away. In the Plum Village meditation tradition, practitioners often talk about “embracing difficult feelings with mindfulness.” What does that mean? In the simplest terms, the mindful part of you is the part that neutrally notices. It also allows for other truths to exist simultaneously with your difficult feelings. I have found just turning my attention towards difficult feelings, rather than trying to shrink them, often helps them release. I often combine this mindful attention with the butterfly hug.
Grow the non-critical parts of yourself bigger. Just as you have a critic, you also have parts that are curious, playful, compassionate, and that love to write. When you allow those parts to flourish, the critic part is still there, chattering in the background, but it isn’t running the show. I like to imagine my critic as a cartoon monster shadow on the wall. I’m over here working while it’s gnashing and flailing. Seen this way, it’s actually kind of cute.
Write before your critic wakes up. This doesn’t have to be first thing in the morning. It could be right after you read something you really like, look at visual art, or take a walk. Anything that puts you in a curious or experimental mindset. As soon as you feel this mindset awaken, start writing. You can set a timer to add some time pressure so the critic doesn’t have time to wedge itself in
But more than anything: experiment with what works for you. Notice when you feel more constricted and fearful—is it when you’re on social media? At the New Releases table of a bookstore? Looking at a blank page or open document on your computer? Then notice when you feel curious, playful, calm, and centered—whatever gets you there, do more of that.
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